Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Annoyingly Vague

Here is a post that is likely to be annoyingly vague, but I'm going to go ahead and write it anyway.

Last week, as you may know, I found out some saddening information about a former acquaintance from high school. Even though I haven't seen this person since graduation (that is, a very long time ago), finding out this piece of information has catapulted me back in time, as it were, and I am reliving a lot of stuff I would prefer not to.

I was one of the not-coolest Not Cool Kids, and it is tempting to try to garner pity for this role. I could probably do it, too. Nobody else was very perfect either. But the fact is that I was also not a very nice Not Cool Kid. The only thing I felt good about, in my painful insecurity, was my spiritual life, which I managed to completely undermine by projecting a terrified and scornful self-righteousness on all and sundry (and particularly on the person referred to above). I don't know if it was hurtful to anybody besides myself, although I do know I got on a lot of people's nerves.

Anyway, I am currently trying to process the person I was in high school, and it is turning out to be at best an embarrassing, and at worst a painful endeavour. (Partly it turns out that I'm not really as different now as I would like to think I am--I'm just better at facades.) I'm trying to figure out if I need to make some amends to people, and if so, who they are and how to go about it. I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to do and learn in all of this--how He wants me to change.

So that, if you want to know, is my excuse. It's hard for me to write about anything at the moment, and if you wonder why you don't see me here for a little while, this upheaval is probably the reason.


Christianne said...

ooch. ouch. yikes. i get this one. it feels bleh.

i love, though, how honest you can be with yourself and God (and us!) about the truth of this. i, too, wonder how God will show up for you in this place.

and as for being one of the not-so-nice Not Cool Kids, i'm in school right now, and it pains me to see how not-nice i can be when it comes to instructors i do not respect. yeah. you could say i don't make the best christian witness when it comes to those kind of scenarios. bleh.

Rhonda said...

isn't it peculiar how strong they can be?
Sometimes I feel totally incapacitated by them.

Rhonda said...

hang in there...
Thinking of ya.

Scott R. Davis said...

yeah, Jenn. when i read your post, I though of Christianne who posted last. And we all have second thoughts of how we could have handled circumstances in our past. don't let the devil creep too many thoughts in but if it is from the Holy Spirit, do learn from them and become an even stronger witness. May peace be to you. In His glory. scott

p.s. hope that it was helpful.

Jenn said...

Thanks for the support, everybody. It's actually been (maybe still is) a good time of realisation . . . now I just have to figure out what to do with it.