Monday, December 15, 2008


I feel that there are some lessons to be learned here about dependence. Whether or not I learn them remains to be seen. But since the power outage on Thursday I have:

1. Showered at the Clevelands'.
2. Eaten breakfast at my Old Church.
3. Done laundry and watched a movie at Pastor Steve and Pastor Val's. ("Pastor Val" is not really what anyone calls her, but it is essentially what she is, so that's her name for this blog. So there.)
4. Worshipped at my Old Church because my New Church didn't have power either.
5. Had dinner with five other families at the Barrows'.
6. Availed myself of the Clevelands' intervention with my car.
7. Used the Barrows' computer.
8. Used my computer at the Barrows' house.

I also anticipate staying at a friend's or friends' in the City a couple of nights this week.

Besides all that, I have spent the entire autumn depending on rides and hand-outs and cooking and cry-on-able shoulders of various and sundry friends and relations before this weather-related disaster, because of my health-related sort-of-disaster.

This is hard for an American. And a New Englander. And a Jennwith2ns.

I feel very dependent. The cancer diagnosis made me feel dependent on people in new ways. The "Ice Tornado" (as some people have dubbed it) has not only heightened that feeling, but also kind of highlighted how dependent I am on things that are not people. Like electricity. And my telephone. And the internet. And my car. And clear roadways. And showering.

The whole ordeal is very blessed and very irritating (two qualities which may, I suspect, belong together more often than not). Most of all I'm realising how God is the only one I can depend on. But I'm also resonating more fully with Teresa of Avila, when she told God, "If this is the way you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few!” (I also resonate with her saying, however, “What a great favor God does to those He places in the company of good people!”)


T5M said...

Your "dependence" is a blessing to others. I truly struggle with dependence and I hate it. A few months ago I decided to attend prayer meeting at our church and although I was in need of prayer, I didn't want to ask for it because I felt like I hadn't "put my time in" to praying for others (because it was my first meeting). It was so stupid. The were practically begging for things to pray about, and I was too "independent" to give in and ask for prayer.

There is a blessing in being able to allow yourself to be dependent on your brothers and sisters once in a while. Even Christ was "dependent" on the 12 - he asked Peter, James, and John to watch while he prayed at Gethsemane. In fact, now that I think about it, he asked for help quite often.

Now I hate myself even more. :)

jasdye said...

aye. well-said, again, my friend.

Jenn said...

T5M--yes, there's blessing. Right now, though, even though I can tell myself all sorts of spiritual truths, there is no part of me except my bare intellect which assents to any of it. I am so frustrated I can hardly stand it.

Jasdye--I wish it were "well-felt" also . . .

YCW--thanks very much. My issue is . . . actually, there are a whole lot of issues. Right now I'm camped out in Worcester so as to be closer to work(s), radiation, etc. But I'll let you know if I/my mom need to take you up on that.