Saturday, August 04, 2007
Ill at Ease
Maybe I have secrets. I don't really think so, but you know. It's possible. I just don't like people overhearing my conversations with other people. It makes me self-conscious. It doesn't really matter what I'm talking about or to whom I'm speaking.
For instance, if I'm at a restaurant with some friends and someone asks me a direct question, I feel the need to lower my voice in answer. Which can be problematic if it's a loud restaurant. And if I were talking to my brother on the phone in the living room and Roommate-Rachel came home and started cooking in the kitchen or something (which is purely hypothetical, mind you, since Rachel asserts she doesn't cook--although she did the other day), I would probably take the phone upstairs, go into my room and shut the door. Even if David and I were only talking about Dinosaur Comics or something.
So, given my natural proclivities, and adding to that the fact that Jesus told us to go into our rooms and shut our doors when we talk to God, is it all that weird that I feel really uncomfortable praying aloud? I mean, in front of other people?
Then again, there is also biblical precedent for praying in groups. And, you know, I did grow up in this evangelical subculture, so it's not like I haven't had years of practice. And yet, I find I still can't really do it.
After Catholic church, Dear Friend Paulina and I went back to her place and had lunch and then sat down on the floor in the living room to talk to God about (and on behalf of) each other before I left. We recapped for each other the specific things we're each experiencing, or trying to decide about, or thinking about for which we feel a conscious need of God's assistance. (As if we weren't completely helpless without Him to do anything.) Then, one at a time, we rehashed each other's list to God.
I noted that, as I was doing this, once again I said things like, "Lord," and "just" far more times than necessary. What's up with that? (Stay tuned for Monday. I think I'm as reticent to tease this issue out as I am actually to pray aloud, but I really do have a train of thought here.)
Photo by jennw2ns: Hidden flowers. 2006.