I have already firmly established in my mind and through my experience that when it comes to men, and liking them, and potentially marrying one, I am completely deaf to the voice of God. Even when I'm trying really hard to listen. I have twice (count 'em--twice) been utterly convinced that God had told me I was going to marry a certain guy. (The second one was different from the first, of course.) Both guys are now getting married; neither of them to me. Based on this I have decided that if I ever am going to get married, God is going to have to figure out some really creative way to let me know, because I'm never going to trust my gut (and what it thinks it knows God said) on this one again. But I can live with that.
What I'm having a hard time living with right now is that I thought I usually had a pretty good sense about God's leading when it came to other areas of my life. But a recent life-overview is making me rethink this assumption.
For example, I left London in 2002 because I thought God wanted me to. I still remember the reasons, and the things I thought He told me, and though I can certainly see how I've grown from my experiences since then, I can't tell that His Kingdom has benefited all that much from the move. Not to mention that I didn't really know what to do when I got back here, so I went through a year of a Master's degree programme before quitting that, too.
I quit the Master's degree because it seemed like a lot of money for a degree I wasn't going to use (and I'm still paying that year off), and I thought I wasn't going to use it because it seemed that God had given me an idea for a ministry-focused coffee shop. So I moved back to where I am now and started working at Starbucks to get some coffee background.
Three and a half years later, I think I've got background.
Then a couple of months ago, I began to get this sense that God was going to change a few more things around, and that one of the changes involved my backing out of the rather bumpy and problematic Starbucks management track I was on. I thought I might move. Or I thought I might get a job in editing. Or both. And maybe the independent coffee shop idea should still be in the picture . . .
I told my boss I was no longer interested in Starbucks management. (If I ever was in the first place, which is a question worth considering.)
I applied to a lot of jobs. I started thinking about where I was going to live. And then my housing situation changed so that now, barring strange and unforeseen provisions, I'm kind of locked into my current place of residence for the next two or so years. Not to mention that it's hard to convince anybody in editing (or college admissions, which I was also looking at working in) that, with my somewhat untraditional career pedigree, I have the requisite experience. No one was convinced.
I'm okay with asking the "good of the city" question. What I can't figure out is why I keep thinking God's telling me things are going to change, and then when I try to investigate the change, situations occur that leave me even further locked in to the situation I was stuck in to begin with.
What did You say?
What did You say?